Here you will find everything from my tales & truths, thoughts, and of course my views on life, love + everything in between. Filled with truths, laughter, pain, and love, I hope you find the words you need.
Sometimes, I am NOT okay, and that fact in itself IS okay.
I cried today, and whilst I would love to explain exactly why, I do not think any of it would make sense because it does not make sense in my own mind—I am just exhausted.
As with everyone at the minute, life has its moments when I feel like it has chewed me up and spat me out. However, in these moments, I am provided with clarity, strength, and determination. The past few months have been a rollercoaster, to say the least—I can honestly say that I don’t think I have grown so much in such a short time. My eyes have widened, my heart has grown, my appetite for growth has increased, and my resilience has strengthened.
Her: “If you want me to get a divorce, I will.”
Him: “Lol. No, don’t do that.”
This was the day that all the puzzle pieces aligned, and everything had come together. I understood. I questioned. I drank. I crashed… fast and couldn’t escape the overwhelming emotional devastation. I demanded questions and her responses were so cavalier and casual. She was so unremorseful and nonchalant about the fact that she was cheating. What made matters worse at that moment was that her actions had surpassed the physical actions. She was ready to put the fate of our relationship in the hands of another human being.
I am not the type to wait for one day of the year to express my gratitude; however, out of the blue, I started to write, I mean, 2020 has been a funny year, so why not make the exception. Before I begin, I think I should warn you; the list you will read below is not going to be your usual list of things I am grateful for. The Good & The Bad—I am still grateful. I am speaking my truth, and there are some trigger points, drugs and sexual abuse.
Have you ever been in a position where there are things that trigger you? A smell, a taste, the sound of someone’s voice or a sound? I have so many triggers; the littlest things can trigger memories, pains and feelings. There are some days where I can smell something, and a wave of depression takes hold of me. I’m sure the thought right now is, why would a healthy female have triggers like that, what could have caused it?
I am likely not the best reference to speak on marriage and or the hardships of marriage … my marriage lasted four months at best. I always thought that when a commitment as sacred as marriage is made, that the commitment is preserved at all costs. I was naïve, and I had many real lessons to learn. I learned very early on that this was an unrealistic expectation, especially now that I have had the time to reflect on the years spent with that person.
2020 has given us many obstacles saturated with life lessons; however, for the most part, most of us question ‘why me’ instead of asking ‘why not me’. The truth is, we all require a much-needed attitude adjustment every now and then. We tend to feel as if our problems are an isolated incident or personal attack—as if the rain cloud is only ever over our head. It is easy to disregard our own negative tendencies when our plates are overflowing, life is hectic, and time seems to be on the decline instead of the rise. Life happens to all of us—there is no escaping that.
Life’s seesaw propels us off the ground and allows us to oversee the playground of life; in the blink of an eye, we are down on the ground, and the next, we are up enjoying the high. It is important to know that the highs and lows of life are not always easy to adjust between; if you are anything like me, you know, a human being, then at least one point in your life you have secretly wished that you could be hidden and protected from the world by an invisible cloak like Harry Potter, but it just doesn’t work like that in the real world.
Ok, so how many times do we hear people say “it is ok not to be ok”—frequently, right? The thing is, many people will religiously recite this very encouraging statement, and then judge you for doing so. I know right, hypocritical.
Unfortunately, there will always be people who will not understand and of course, those that will judge you. You have no power over them so try not to take it on. Your life is yours.
It was the best of times and the worst of times. Are we not currently living in these times? COVID-19 has me feeling the struggle, emotions and to be honest, an overall uncertainty of how to feel. IS it the best of times? Well, think about it. We live in the Digital Age—technology has granted us access to just about everything available on the WWW. Mobile phones have connected us in ways many of us never thought of, and this only increases as more apps are created. Granted, a large portion of the information that can be found on Aunt Google, Youtube Academy and other sources such as social media will not be accurate. In fact, during this pandemic, personally, I have seen countless altered “news” that has been shared and used to cause further panic. However, despite this, if you know what you are looking for coupled with common sense, you can find a wealth of information (in my opinion).
And just that, 2019 is drawing to a close, and it’s time to pack away the fine china used for Christmas for reuse next year. Everyone will be shifting their focus from gifting to others to buying for themselves as the stores announce their sales, and of course, the excitement that the New Year brings. As we steadily approach 2020, our timelines will be filled with posts emphasising how 2019 was filled with moments that made 2019 everyone’s best year thus far. Meanwhile, some of us are flicking through our photo gallery and saved Snapchat memories trying to find an ‘Insta/Facebook-worthy’ post with a creative caption solidifying how great 2019 was for us. However, it doesn’t exist, or we feel like it doesn’t add up to everyone else’s posts.