The journey to giving fewer fucks while still being me is definitely a road that is not easily navigated. It is one where many people stand on the sidewalk shouting advice and telling you what to do, who and what to care about, providing what they call “foolproof plans” to get there. Truth, it is easy to sit and shout from the sidelines but it is so much more difficult to navigate through the journey without gaining a few scars and losing pieces of yourself.
This journey is particularly hard for me and here is why.
I am the girl who cares way too much. I am the girl who believes there is good in everyone. I am the girl who constantly defines herself by the opinions of others. I am the girl who falls hard and loves deeply. I am the girl who is extremely emotional and what many will say is way too emotional. I am the girl who prefers to be open and honest about her feelings, opinions and thoughts but gets ostracised for doing so. I am the girl who hates herself and believes that everything is her fault because that is what ‘they’ said. I am the girl who makes a shit ton of mistakes just like you but is harshly judged despite the similarities. I am the girl who has battled depression and other mental health issues for as long as she can remember and the battle is still going. I am the girl who just wants to belong. I am the girl who wants to give fewer fucks about what people say or think about me, but most of all, I am the girl who just wants to be herself and loves herself for it.
I have been on this journey for a while; I have started, stopped, departed and boarded many times and each time I have learned something new about the road travelled. I thought that I wanted to be numb and surround myself with huge walls in an attempt to protect myself but I don’t. I am not trying to lose myself or become heartless (although I am pretty sure that is impossible for me), I simply need to learn to give fewer fucks about people and situations that do not deserve my fucks.
Life is so precious and it is no secret that we ALL forget this from time to time because we are so busy trying to live, but forgetting about it doesn’t make it any less factual, it just makes the reality slap that much harder.
This journey that I have been on for the past *have no idea how long* has provided me with many reality slaps that I have needed. I have learned that I am the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve and that will never change. I am the girl who battles mental health and that is ok. I am the girl who suffocates from the inability to express herself openly and honestly. I am the girl who is still yearning to belong in so many aspects of life. I am the girl who is on the neverending journey of self-love and improvement. I am HER and she is ME.
I care way too much about the opinions and perceptions that people have about me. I care way too much about people who I mean nothing to. I care way too much about circumstances that I cannot control. I care way too much about relationships and people who were only meant to be a short destination on my journey. And you know what, I used to think caring and being emotional made me weak but it doesn’t, it makes me who I am. Feeling numb isn’t great, suffocating your feelings means wearing a mask 365, it makes you lonely whether you care to admit it or not.
I understand that there is a balance between caring too much and caring too little but more importantly, I understand and accept that balance is something that I may never master and that is OK. See, we call people fake for exhibiting different personalities and demeanours around different people but we are just as fake when we attempt to put a mask and costume over who we are.
Deep down I know that I will always be the girl who cares too much. The girl who takes things too personally or feels things too deeply. The girl who yearns to belong and fit in. The girl who wants to be seen for who she is today and not for the mistakes she made yesterday. That is who I am and I refuse to cover up who I am.
This voyage is lifelong and I am so grateful for the lessons learned and the knowledge gained. This is who I am and not everyone is deserving of my fucks. I no longer feel afraid of giving fewer fucks because ultimately; the next second, minute, hour, week, month or year are not promised to anyone and I do not have any fucks to spare on situations or people who are undeserving.
No one is perfect. There is beauty in our imperfections. Everyone has been broken. Being broken doesn’t mean ugly or weak, many roses and flowers have grown from the cracks in concrete.