Sometimes, I am NOT okay, and that fact in itself IS okay.
I cried today, and whilst I would love to explain exactly why, I do not think any of it would make sense because it does not make sense in my own mind—I am just exhausted.
As with everyone at the minute, life has its moments when I feel like it has chewed me up and spat me out. However, in these moments, I am provided with clarity, strength, and determination. The past few months have been a rollercoaster, to say the least—I can honestly say that I don’t think I have grown so much in such a short time. My eyes have widened, my heart has grown, my appetite for growth has increased, and my resilience has strengthened.
Today was one of those days where I felt chewed, spat out and stomped on. Today, I was NOT okay. But, given my mental health history, I heed the warning and accept the wake-up call. It was not a good day, but I am humbled by blessings and the few honest and genuine people that I have in my life. People are experiencing loss all around me, and more often than not, I find myself speechless while clenching my chest because I can only imagine their pain. Social Media is still toxic as ever—indirect posts, silent cries, bullying, negativity, drama and so on… hence my abrupt break from posting in an attempt not to be sucked into endless scrolling.
And Life Still Goes On Despite Our Pain.
I have learned that I am human FIRST; there is no taking ME out of Hymesha or Mesha, regardless of corny that may sound. Sure, I am a wife, friend, family member, coworker and dog mom, but I am a human first, and for that, I will not apologise. However, I have decided to change how much of myself I give or share with people. The hard truth is that not everyone genuinely cares about your well-being; sure, they may ask and even offer to help, but sometimes it is simply asked and offered because it is part of the ‘norm’. So if I want something, it is me that I have to rely on, unless it is one of the rare people I have met that are genuine in their words and active in actions.
I have learned that I am quick to help others even though I know the same support will not be reciprocated. I have realised that I sometimes pour from an empty cup, and I need to stop because I am worthy of more. I am learning that I need to be selfish, take some ME time, and not feel guilty. I have learned that it is normal to question some aspects of my life to ensure I am still happy and content with the direction I am going in.
Ultimately, I have learned that I am an emotional, caring, fallible, persistent, passionate human being that is sometimes NOT okay even behind her smile and attempts to reassure others that ‘I am fine’. I will always pick myself up and dust myself off, no matter how long it takes me.
If There Is Anything You Take From This…
Whilst this is my story, I have learned that reflection is excellent for healing, and I am sure it can be a healthy activity for you as well. Life lessons are not free and will always cost us something, no matter the ‘value’ or impact on our life. There will be moments where you are misunderstood, ignored, used and other countless negative words. However, there will also be great and positive moments that make the negative worth it. If you have to cry, do it. Remember that regardless of the role you play in the lives of others, you are a human being first; never try to be a statue to comfort or please others.
No matter how painful, take some time to reflect on how far you have come.