“All through my life, I have been tested. My will has been tested, my courage has been tested, my strength has been tested. Now my patience and endurance are being tested.”
Although life has no option to actually restart the day, week, month or year over like we can to our favourite song or movie, we still have the power to hit the reset button. Starting over fresh doesn’t confirm that you failed, it merely shows that you have reached a point of realisation where you realised that it is time to start over fresh.
Ctrl. Alt. Delete.
Let’s face it, shit gets hectic in life, and sometimes we need a fresh start; a reset. It could be our career choice, our relationship/friendship, or it could just be our day. Whatever causes a shift in our positive energy is often a sign that we need to reevaluate it and sometimes, the best resolution is to reset. Of course, hitting those buttons does not fully erase what has taken place, there is always a trace of it in our memory — a reminder. A reset is a readjustment, no different to when the clocks change; it can take a bit of time to adjust as we remember what once was; the extra hour in bed, extra daylight, however, that adjustment allows us to be grateful for a lot.
I haven’t been faithful to myself for a while when it comes to writing, in fact, in most cases and it has been way too long. When I first started blogging, I did so as a diarist; I wrote my thoughts, feelings, trials and triumphs, musings and opinions. I shared my truths with the internet and anyone else who happened to stumble across my blog. Back then, it was easier; nowadays it is all so complicated and extremely competitive. Everyone wants to be successful; the best (insert niche here) blogger on the internet. Foolishly, I became a victim of wanting success so badly that I changed myself and the way I wrote because I felt that it was a style that was frowned upon. I felt lost, and I did what I felt was best.
I stopped creating content. I stopped expressing myself. I stopped doing what I loved, what kept me sane in a world full of crazy all because I allowed myself to be controlled by fear and negativity.
See, social media, society, and judgements cause many of us to feel as if we cannot be ourselves; we can’t be real or brutally honest about our emotions or the things that we endure. I know that I feel this way most days and it doesn’t help that my social media timeline looks extremely interesting, and then I am left to ponder “well what the hell is wrong with you Hymesha and your boring life?” The answer… nothing, nothing is wrong me.
The problem with social media is that it is EVERYWHERE. Social media allows us to be who we want to be, we get to post all the positive and interesting events in our life pretending as if we have a perfect life. Social media is a highlight reel, and this is what makes us feel like we have to live a certain life, so much so that most of the stories we see are fraudulent because many of us want to feel like we too are living a “perfect” life.
Before Sum Of Her, I had many blogs before this, but I always felt that maybe they weren’t good enough. When I decided to hit the reset button and start fresh with Sum Of Her, initially, I was doing so with the intentions of writing anonymously. Why, because I allowed myself to feel as if I was not good enough, that it was something wrong with me and that maybe by writing anonymously, people would read my words with a clean slate, unable to put a face to the words. I felt and allowed myself to be crippled by the opinions and views of others and what could be said about me and my writing. Each time I wrote it would take me forever, just because I was trying to sugarcoat everything — dilute my truth. I was trying to limit myself by forcing myself to write within a certain niche, I wasn’t allowing my feelings to flow freely. I am at a point in my life where I am focused on being true to me, I am more worried about making Hymesha happy versus others who really don’t matter.
Let’s hit the reset button and start the journey again.
Sum Of Her is my story, my thoughts, my emotions, my opinions and everything else in between. Naturally, I am an ’emotionalist’, I wear my heart on my sleeve; therefore, it is challenging for me to hide my emotions. I used to feel like I had to hide and walk on eggshells just to please people who I foolishly thought were my friends. Some lessons are crystal clear, but we are so blinded by what we think is best for us that we ignore that constant gut feeling telling us to walk away.
I have allowed myself to be silenced and altered by fear for far too long. The fear of judgements and fear of failure. They say that fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real so, if this is the case then why allow an illusion to dictate my life and how I live it? As time elapses I realise that life is not only short but also meant for us to actually live. No one is exempt from judgements, so someone will always judge us and most times it will be from people who have nothing to add to our lives and are insignificant but somehow WE make them significant by allowing their empty words decide how we live our lives. I am who I am, and there will always be someone waiting to pass judgement. I love what I do, and sometimes we just need a clean slate, a new foundation to build on so, I decided to start over; hit the reset button.
The purpose of Sum Of Her is to be about the content, my writing — No Holds Barred, All limitations Removed. I want it to help others that have either endured or are enduring similar hurdles that I too have suffered from and to prove that they are not alone and that they can overcome any obstacles placed before them.
This is my reset.